I mentioned in my previous post that I had a bad day on Monday (4/13). I would like to go back and express some of my feelings.
I was feeling a lot of pressure from not being able to meet all of my responsibilities. It's amazing how the lord works because I have already gotten some answers and feel a lot better today.
Before John left for work, I was in tears. I figured he would just leave and I would get over it. That is actually what I wanted him to do. I didn't want to tell him how I was feeling because I don't think it is fair to him because I can't uphold my responsibilities and I didn't want to sound ungrateful for all that he does.
I was just tired and overwhelmed. Quite a bit of things to keep this household going is on my shoulders. My house is a mess, I have tons of school work to do with Jonaya, I haven't been able to work a lot to help the family financially. We are behind in bills. There was no gas in the car. My child is having behavioral issues. The list just goes on and on.
I don't know who to ask for advice and I don't get a break. I just saw my world unraveling.
John did stay home and we talked. He did promise to help me more with the house and kids when he is home. I told him that I know that he works a lot of long hours and wants to rest when he is home, that is why I don't ask for anything. I feel like a single mom when he is here and when he is not here. During this conversation is when it came out that he thought I wanted to leave him. That goes back to him getting into "it" with my mom and us moving out. He thought that he was getting the repercussions of that and the fact that we are not as intimate as he would like us to be.
I didn't tell him this, but it has nothing to do with him. It's kind of a psychological thing. When things aren't in order and I'm stressing about so many other things. I'm tired, life's pleasures don't even cross my mind. So, I realized that I need to learn how to be a better wife. This is my first time, so I don't have a clue. I also, didn't grow up with an example since my mom was single.
Well, on Monday I also started reading the book for my Bible study. I'm just into the first chapter and I can't believe the things that I learned already. If I always go to Jesus and "sit at his feet" and listen, everything else will follow. The way it was explained to me was what I have been doing is putting the carriage before the horse. Well, no wonder it's so hard for me to get the job done.
My memory scripture is:
Matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. "
That is exactly what I need to hear. I have not been coming to Jesus. I've been caught up in my daily activities that I have forgotten what is most important.
Now, that I have slowed down in the last couple of days and took the time to put the horse in front of the carriage, I have gotten so much more accomplished.
Yesterday, I started to prepare the soil for our garden. We have been waiting to get it tilled and I decided to just do it. Not only is if finally getting done, I'm trying to keep that $50 in our pocket. We really can't afford to pay someone else to do if for us. I think the vegetables will taste much better, too, since all of us were out there going at it. We could use and extra shovel or two, though...LOL
Well, duty does call, but I hope to be able to post again soon.
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